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Sept 26, 2004
After several years of spotty, snotty, and downright haughty service, Canadian Virtual European Holidays (CV'eh), has shut down operations.
CEO and Chief Pilot, Daryl Shuttleworth, spoke with the media as his brightly coloured 767 was being fuelled for a hasty departure from London's Heathrow Airport.
"Look, we are CANADIANS, and we don't need no stinking Eurotrash to tell us our service sucks or is dangerous or is illegal. We have Air Canada at home... we know we suck, can't fly and skirt the law."
"Our employees have done a bang-up job, and any reports to the contrary are simply untrue: especially the ones about gerbils and roses... no, no, I don't need to go into details, you pack of wolves. Go back to flying Airbuses, and leave us out of it."
The European Union Aerospace Association today announced that CV'eh has contravened regulations by employing robots to fly most "RNAV-equipped" flights in Europe.
"That is a total falsehood," said Shuttleworth as large bags of euro-dollars were loaded aboard the 767. "The "robots" they are referring to are actually PEOPLE. Okay, yes, they are REMOTELY connected to the aircraft, and, yes, they are connected to the planes via the internet, but big deal - we only had 3 accidents and NO DEATHS, so, what's the big deal?"
"These virtual pilots enjoyed their work and it cost us NOTHING. Well, maybe a cheesy website, but that's it. What's wrong with exploiting some losers who can't get a real job as a pilot because they are losers? Honestly, what is wrong with you people? You're just pissed that you haven't thought of it yet."
"Real pilots are very expensive. Do you have any idea how much these guys pull in? Besides, with no pilots to worry about, our pregnancy rate of our hot flight attendants was way down."
Thus ends the sordid tale of CV'eh. The brightly coloured aircraft that took Europe by storm are now heading back to Canada, where they will be melted down and recycled into tie-dye shirts.
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